The Way Things Go
by junipers
Summary: Everything I did, I did it for you. But you're not going to believe that, are you? /Wherein Neku must deal with the aftermath of the Game, and Joshua toys with his heart again.\
1. Chapter 1

"I just found a friend  
>In one of your lies<br>To treat me so nice  
>I can't believe my bones<br>And they say so many things  
>They tell me I am fine<br>Believe me, I  
>I try"<br>~Ever So Sweet, The Early November

* * *

><p><em>Everything I did, I did it for you.<em>

When he sees Joshua pointing a gun in his face, _again,_ all he can think of is the tragedy of it all. They'd been friends, hadn't they? There was a bond between them, a bond Joshua was planning on shattering.

Why? Why why why why _why._ The only thing going through his head was a bunch of _whys_.

_Why_ did he do this.

_Why_ is he going to shoot him again, _why_ did he do it in the first place.

_Why_ Neku.

_Why me?_ Neku asks himself. _Why me?_

* * *

><p>There is an almost startling contrast between Joshua and Neku. Neku's shock of orange hair, his purple and yellow, he is almost like a light. Joshua's disheveled mane of ash-blond, his pale blue shirt and dark jeans; there's no contrast, he is simply there, it seems. He exists to make Neku's death even more unpleasant. He seems physically weak and he is simply infuriating.<p>

Seems downright useless from the start, really, but he soon proves Neku wrong. Considering his knowledge of...well, everything, Neku should never have trusted him, "trust your partner" be damned.

It's just...they had so much in common. Joshua was the first person Neku had ever met who knew that truly getting to know others was impossible and other people were a waste of time. Did he really believe that, though? Or had he just been humoring Neku? Pretending to agree? Nothing is clear anymore. Nothing is sure.

Neku knows nothing anymore. Nothing. All he knows is he's been used, tossed aside. Betrayed.

Because it's been over a year, and Joshua still hasn't shown.

* * *

><p>Shiki is stroking his orange hair, looking concerned with the forlorn expression on his face. He isn't crying, isn't making a sound but she can read his face and the way he sits, his chin on his knees and arms wrapped around his legs. He isn't the strong teen he was at the end of the Extended Game right now. He is a sad, confused, lost boy. He is a little bit scared.<p>

But he isn't crying. He doesn't cry.

"Neku," Shiki murmurs, "it's alright. You're fine." She leaves out the part where he's better off without him, but it's okay because Neku knows. He acts as if it isn't true sometimes but he knows.

"Neku," she coos as he lays his head on her shoulder. He loves her, sort of, the way he might love a sister. If he had one.

He's grateful for her, though he never says it. If not for Shiki, Neku would have lost. The Reaper's Game, his life, everything. And she helped him open up...a little. She's still there for him now. That isn't to say beat and Rhyme are not; he just prefers to share his problems with Shiki, when he's willing to share. He listens to her, she listens to him. It's a nice relationship.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

It reminds him of Joshua, her fingers in his hair, and after she apologizes it's just too much. He buries his face in his knees again and his shoulders slowly start shaking.

He doesn't cry, he doesn't, but it hurts and it's too much, too much.

And he shouldn't, but he does.

* * *

><p>Hachiko, Hachiko!<p>

He's running,a grin on his face for the first time in so long, and he's excited. It's only been a week, but after spending what seems like so much time together, it seems almost strange to be alone.

Almost.

_Hey, did I mention? I've got friends now! We're getting together for the first time in a week._

It's a sort of inner monologue directed at Joshua. He hopes the boy is listening, wherever he is.

_See ya there?_

He hears Beat and Rhyme calling for him, also grinning, waving for him. They talk for a while; Rhyme shows him her pendant, Beat looks as if he's about to cry, everything is wonderful but they're not complete. Not yet.

Then Neku feels someone tapping his shoulder and he turns.

She isn't beautiful the way Eri is; dark brown hair and glasses and a skirt that isn't falling off her hips, but Neku likes Shiki better this way. She's more...real, somehow.

Everyone talks. There's giggling and laughter and hugging and the words aren't important, not really. It's the fact that they're _here,_ they made it; they survived and they're together. That's what matters.

They get lunch at Sunshine Burger and everything's great. Fine. It's beautiful, really, eating with friends under fluorescent lights instead of alone in front of the TV. It's been years since Neku's known this feeling. It's unnerving, sort of, but he gets over his discomfort because deep down he feels better than he has in years.

They sit by the statue afterward, close together with Shiki taking pictures. "I'll email these to all of you," she says, smiling, holding out her phone for another photo. She takes pictures of her with Neku and Beat and Rhyme, of Neku with Beat and with Rhyme and with Beat and Rhyme; and she takes pictures of all of them, together, all smiles and no trace of the hell they just got out of.

Smiles, smiles, smiles. It's dark now and everyone waves goodbye, part ways, promising to text and email and keep in touch; _let's meet up in a week!_

It's only when they all leave and he's on his way home that Neku realizes Joshua never showed up. He stops and stares at his feet. It suddenly feels like there's a weight on his chest, like he wants to cry. But he doesn't, and he won't. He refuses to.

He refuses to let Joshua break him down again.

* * *

><p>Time is moving slower now.<p>

What Joshua's telling him – that he's the Composer, that he's responsible for everything – it barely sinks in. He's numb. Neku doesn't... He can't...

He is at a complete loss for words and his train of thought has slowed to a stop.

He doesn't-

He can't. He can't understand. He won't.

He refuses to believe.

But as the bullet goes through his skull again, he has no choice.

* * *

><p>It's been over a year.<p>

Snow falls; creating not so much a blanket but a veil, covering just enough to obscure what's beneath it. Neku thinks it's sort of pretty, the glistening snow crunching beneath his feet. He wishes he could share it with someone, but Shiki and Eri are off who-knows-where and Beat and Rhyme are off on some family venture.

It's like the holidays two years ago. He's got nothing and nobody. Whatever.

"Oh, you haven't got _nobody,_ dear." A familiar giggle follows these words and Neku turns his head slowly, half-afraid he's dreaming and half-afraid he's not.

"Ah!" Neku shouts, lurching forward a bit.

"Or would it be more proper to say you don't have nobody?" Joshua continues, his finger rubbing his lower lip thoughtfully. "Hmm." He shrugs and shoves his hands in the pockets of his jacket. "The word 'nobody' really throws a wrench into things, doesn't it?"

"Joshua, what are you doing here?" Neku asks, scowling slightly. What he really wants to ask is _why did it take you so long?_

"I just wanted to see my darling proxy again," Joshua says, He wraps his arm around Neku's shoulder and pulls him closer. "As for why it took me so long..."

Neku blushes a bit; he'd forgotten about the whole mind-reading thing. He should get back into the habit of carrying his Player Pin around again. Joshua giggles.

"Well, the higher-ups weren't too pleased with what I'd done. They insisted I stay out of the RG."

"But you're here."

"Rules were meant to be broken on occasion." Joshua shrugs again. "Besides, I doubt there'll be any sort of repercussion."

Neku wants to ask why. Why he did it, why he picked Neku, why he came back. But he figures he's got plenty of time and besides, he sort of just wants to...

Enjoy the moment.


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n: oh god i like just found the draft for this a couple months ago and finally got around to typing it up  
>i<strong> **apologize if anything seems off, as i haven't played twewy in a long while uou**

**i'm also sorry for the wait! i hope to get the final chapter up much more quickly**

* * *

><p>"Ever so sweet<br>You make this seem  
>The way things go<br>It's not my fault  
>And I'll miss<br>I'll miss you so good  
>Oh, all of those nights<br>We lost our way back home."

* * *

><p>It's been three months since the end of the Game. The change in Neku is almost tangible; he smiles, he doesn't look angry or tired or depressed anymore. He's an open book now, sort of, and everyone can see it. He's not lonely anymore.<p>

It's six months since the Reaper's Game and he's calmed down now. Before he was full of life and now he's realized maybe it's not as great as it seemed three months ago. It's sort of saddening to see him trudging along like nothing matters. He's not quite like he was before everything, but the resemblance is striking.

Six months later and he looks lonely. Again.

Three more months drag on, lurches of time. He's there and he's not, time slows and it stops. It speeds up again.

And it. Stops.

Oh, Hachiko Hachiko, Neku's here again, Joshua where'd you go?

* * *

><p>When Joshua stops by, Neku's heart skips a beat. Even if Neku was out at the time, he knows when the Composer's been there; papers are shuffled around, his books are tidied up a bit. The little things. It's beyond infuriating, but the more Neku complains the more Joshua does it.<p>

"You don't really mind," Joshua says often, tracing Neku's jawline or playing with his hair.

And Neku won't say it aloud, but as he inhales the other's scent on his sheets, he has to admit that Joshua has a point.

* * *

><p>"You make it seem like it doesn't matter." Neku scowls.<p>

"It doesn't, really," Joshua says lightly, twirling a lock of Neku's hair.

"But Josh, you-"

"Joshua," he corrects.

Neku lets out an angry sigh and crosses his arms. "Fine then, _Joshua._ Maybe you kill a thousand people a day, whatever, but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter."

"Oh, Neku, you couldn't be more naive." Joshua giggles. "And, for the record, you are the only person I have murdered personally."

"What an honor," Neku says with a deadpan expression, twirling his finger in the air. "Just shut the hell up."

"Oh?" Joshua smirks. He presses his lips against Neku's for a split second. "Would you rather I did something else?"

"N-no!" Neku shouts and dammit, there he goes again, stammering and blushing.

"Very well then." Joshua kisses his cheek, humming. "I guess we'll just have to agree that I'm right."

"And why's that?"

"Because I am." Joshua does not laugh, and Neku notices that he hasn't been doing so very often lately. Not that he minds.

Neku sighs again, this time in resignation. "Dammit, Joshua, I just don't want to argue about this right now." Or ever again, really. "Can we do this some other day?"

"Neku, dear, you need to learn to finish what you started." Joshua pouts a bit. "You can't just start a fight and run away. Life doesn't work like that."

Actually, life often works a lot like that, but Neku holds his tongue. It's all just a tired sort of mess and he wants to get out somehow.

"It's hardly a 'fight,'" Neku counters, "when it's just us yelling 'yes' and 'no' back and forth."

Joshua shrugs. "Fine then. I win this round."

"Yay for you." Neku rolls his eyes and slumps back into his seat. He adjusts himself ever so slightly; anything the widen the distance between him and Joshua.

Yeah. It's just a fucking mess.

* * *

><p>If there's anything Neku misses, it's the apathy. He misses the days when he didn't care about anything, didn't give a damn about anyone but himself. Now he's let others in, let them close to his heart, and he can't let go. He cries for them. It's rare, but he does.<p>

He doesn't know what he'd do if he lost them. If one of them died. He doesn't want to go through that again. He knows about the Reaper's Game, but it doesn't scare him any less.

'Cause it's like, what if they didn't make it?

* * *

><p>"Neku, Neku, Neku." Joshua shakes his head slowly. "Everything I did, I did it for you."<p>

"_Bullshit._" Neku snarls. "Threatening Shibuya? What did that do for me? Antagonizing me every time I see you? What does that do for me?"

He throws a chair aside forcefully and steps closer to Joshua. "Abandoning me for over a year? What the fuck did that do for me?"

Neku starts to shake, he's so angry. It's very slight, almost unnoticable, but of course it attracts Joshua's attention.

"Neku." He places a hand on the other's shoulder. "Neku, calm down. Calm down and let me explain."

Neku can't speak anymore, can't speak or he'll start screaming. He just seethes, breathes through his teeth. He almost wants to growl or make some sort of angry sound, anything, but Joshua would just laugh and stop taking him seriously. Assuming he was to begin with.

"Neku..."

"Don't touch me."

Joshua obliges, holding hands up. He seems reluctant to let go, as though afraid his proxy will run off.

"Will you listen to me now?" the Composer asks impatiently, crossing his arms and tapping his foot once.

Neku hates to admit it, but he's a bit curious. How does Joshua plan to justify himself? "Fine. Talk."

"Ask me a question." Joshua smirks. "What would you like to know first?"

"Why?" It's a question he's asked so many times, but Neku can only ask why. "Why did you do all this?"

"I've answered this a hundred times already," Joshua sighs. Before Neku can retaliate, he answers anyway. "Shibuya was falling apart at the seams. It was a disgusting mess of a city, and doing such a grand job of destroying itself. I thought I'd help speed up its progress a bit."

"But I don't get it," Neku says before Joshua can continue. "Why destroy it?"

"It seemed beyond saving, at the time."

"Beyond...saving?"

"You can't save everything," the Composer explains. In a far lower voice, he murmurs, "Maybe I simply wanted to end myself." While Neku is a bit thrown off by this statement, Joshua cleaerly has no interest in discussing the topic further.

"So! Next question."

It takes a moment for Neku to even begin articulating his next thought. "Why...why go through the trouble of a three-week Game? Why not just..." He cringes a bit at this thought. "End it?"

"Megumi didn't want me to." Joshua shrugs. "And besides, games are fun, aren't they?"

"No way in hell would anyone sane consider your Game _fun._"

"Perhaps you're right," Joshua responds with a giggle, "but I never claimed to be 'sane.'"

True enough.

"Do you have any more questions?" The Composer tugs on a lock of his hair.

"...why did you pick me?"

The one question Neku really wants answered is the one question he assumes Joshua won't answer, but he has to ask. To his surprise, the silver-haired boy places a hand on his shoulder and smiles in an almost melancholic way.

"Oh, Neku," he says. "Neku, Neku, Neku."

* * *

><p>Neku wakes up but he doesn't want to open his eyes just yet. This is comfortable, warm, his head in someone's lap as they stroke his hair. But, wait a second, who's-<p>

His eyes shoot open and Joshua's looking over him, a serene look in his violet eyes and a hint of a smile on his lips.

"Morning, Neku," he says, and it's almost like a purr. "Sleep well?"

Neku pushes himself up quickly, his head spinning a bit from the sudden change in position. "What the hell?! Why were you doing that?"

"Why not?" His Partner shrugs. "You seemed to enjoy it."

"I...I did not!" Neku objects, but of course his blush gives him away. Joshua giggles.

"Sure you didn't. Now, come on, let's follow this next signal."

* * *

><p><em>It's...cute. You thought you'd have me forever. However, I'm not selfish like you think. I'm not heartless like you think.<em>

_Everything I did, I did it for you._

* * *

><p>Joshua strokes Neku's cheek with the back of his fingers. "Neku, you are a beautiful boy." He pauses. "You have such a strong Imagination, but you were letting it waste away. I couldn't let you do that."<p>

"But-"

"I picked you because you were, for lack of a better word...perfect. Still are, in a sense."

"I don't-"

"Hush." He places a finger against Neku's lips. He cups the redhead's face in his hands and presses their mouths together gently, almost sweetly, and it's almost romantic. Almost beautiful.

Neku shivers, it's so frightening.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ever so sweet  
>You baked it in cakes for me<br>What you left behind  
>It hurts my teeth<br>Bring in the past with the postcards you left for me  
>Every line<br>it brings me right back down."

* * *

><p>There are moments when Neku wishes Joshua weren't so damn pretty.<p>

Oh, yes, he's irritating. Insufferable, even. Neku hates the kid. But there's something about him, something strange and perhaps supernatural, that draws Neku to him. Joshua is..._beautiful,_ in his own disgusting way.

When it comes to people, Neku's first instinct is still to shy away. Turn up the volume on his MP3 player and hide behind his clothes, his hair, his headphones. No one can talk to him. No one can touch him. There are but three (notable) exceptions.

Shiki Misaki. A wonderful girl, though she doesn't see it herself. She was the first to reach out to him, to try and make him open up. It worked, a bit; she began to chip away at the wall he hid behind. She saved him, as stupid as it sounded to him, and he's grateful for it.

Sanae Hanekoma. Though he rarely acknowledges it, Mr. H had kept Neku going for years and years, even after he'd given up. His work - CAT's work - had helped get him out of bed in the morning. Neku would never say it, not really, but he loves him. So much. Mr. H is probably his favorite person, the _one _person he can always tolerate.

And then there's Joshua. Yoshiya "Joshua" Kiryu. Arrogant, condescending, perfectly awful in every possible way. He makes Neku's heart pound and stomach twist and, oh, it's fucking terrible. Neku's not used to the feeling, being attracted to someone, and he hates it. He hates every little thing about Joshua; his hair, his eyes, the stupid smirk he always wears, his everything. Everything about him is...perfect.

Sickeningly perfect.

* * *

><p>They are close, so close, practically intwined. Neku never saw this coming. Never thought he'd be in anyone's arms, really, but especially not Joshua's.<p>

He...he doesn't hate him. Not really. But it certainly feels that way a lot, whenevr the ash-blond Composer giggles or mocks him or spends time away from him.

He hates Joshua when he's gone.

It has nothing to do with loneliness or seperation anxiety or anything similar; such things don't even occur to him. It's just the way he feels. Nothing more and nothing less. There's no way Neku could explain.

He doesn't love Joshua. _Can't_ love him. It would be awful, terrible, idiotic, shitty, every negative adjective he can think of. He absolutely can _not _love Joshua.

Can he...?

"Neku," Joshua mumbles, kissing his neck. He pulls Neku closer, sort of, but it's more like he's just holding him tighter; they're already as close as can be. "Neku."

Neku knows he isn't vying for his attention. Joshua had said, once before, that he simply likes the way "Neku" feels on his tongue - his name and his skin. Neku found Joshua's wording creepy, even kind of gross, but he can't deny that he secretly enjoys hearing his name in the Composer's voice.

Secretly. Admitting to such a thing would mean he's giving in.

Still, it's a lovely feeling. Josha breathing Neku's name and running his fingers through his hair...

* * *

><p>Joshua is smiling, actually smiling. It's an ominous sight, actually. Joshua rarely gives an actual smile; usually he's either smirking, straight-faced, or frowning, though occasionally he has a small smile on his face.<p>

This is _not_ a small smile. This is a borderline grin, almost manic. Not unlike the look he had when he shot Neku that first time.

The look on his face softens when he sees his proxy. He seems almost happy, genuinely so, and it hurts.

It hurts, it's so disgustingly beautiful.

"Oh, Neku," he says, almost a whisper. He walks - though it seems more like he's gliding - up to Neku and cups the boy's cheek. "Neku, dear, I'm sorry."

Neku tips his head, not unlike a confused dog. Joshua doesn't apologize; that's not his thing. In his mind, he hasn't done anything wrong. Before Neku can vocalize his confusion, though, the Composer speaks again.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, as if he thinks Neku didn't hear. Blue eyes widen slightly; Neku has no idea what Joshua's apologizing for but it can't be sincere, not with such a joyful smile on his lips. He kisses Neku gently, just like their first time. Neku shakes almost imperceptibly, but Joshua ignores it.

"I'm leaving you."

What?

"It's best if we don't see each other again."

He can't believe it; can't understand what he's hearing, can't understand why it makes him feel so-

Joshua giggles. Something in his expression seems almost melancholy now.

"It's cute, that you thought we'd be together forever."

* * *

><p>Numb. Neku is numb.<p>

He shouldn't care. Why does he care? Joshua was an asshole, the worst thing to ever happen to him. He was - _is_ - better off without him. Despite this, he still feels less like he went through a bad breakup (which, in essence, is all it really is) and more like somebody died. Permanently, this time.

Neku can't help but miss him.

* * *

><p>Time crawls by. Neku doesn't feel much aside from disbelief and his old anger at the world. He's...he's still happy, sometimes, he hasn't forgotten how that feels, but for the most part he's...disappointed, to say the least.<p>

Shiki can't touch him, can't hold him close to comfort him. He won't let her. The thought makes him uneasy; the action reminds him of everything that'd happened. He'd be pretty damn thrilled if he could lose his memories again.

"Neku," Shiki says, almost sternly, "you can't just be miserable forever."

"I know."

"I'm sorry, I really am." She tentatively reaches out and lays a hand on Neku's shoulder. He doesn't flinch or lash out, so she keeps it there. She's one of the few people who can get away with that. "But you've gotta move on someday."

_"Someday"_ being the key word here.

"I know." Neku nods.

Shiki smiles, and he forces a smile in return.

"I love you," she says, and it's not romantic, or anything of that nature, but it's real.

Neku just nods again - he can't say it back, he never ever could, but he's sure she understands.

* * *

><p>Neku sighs deeply at the postcard on his desk. He's not sure where it's from - he can't understand the language, and he's not entirely convinced the sender has ever been there - but he knows who left it there. He can't tell if this is a genuine show of compassion or just another attempt to get under his skin. The messages are vague, unclear.<p>

But then again, it's Joshua. Joshua sending letters and poscards and what is his intention, anyway? Neku doesn't know, and he doesn't want to care. All he wants to do is forget.

This recent postcard, though - this damn post card on his cluttered desk is what kills him. It's almost bare, aside from it's message. Something Joshua has said to him before.

_"Everything I did, I did it for you."_


End file.
